Desiring more than the present moment.

Day 6... Falling into day 7.

So, I’d rather spare you the details of the reason behind the initiation of this conversation. I guess that this was all of the motivation that I really needed to execute the foundation of where I created a space for documentation. The rawness behind my I’ll Keep Her Journey…

Something that I had been hesitant on releasing but so critical about putting into action. All there is to do is write. It seems like my body is rejecting everything else. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I don’t want to indulge in the normal coping mechanisms that I would usually use to maintain my ego. I simply wanted for things to be better. & when I said better, I meant exactly that. Not hidden, buried or suppressed the way that I normally would have when pain felt too heavy to digest. The only way out is through. & I’m feeling this even more than ever at this point.

I was hoping that a few sermons would speed up the process. Reasonable amounts of sunlight. & plenty doses of self-care would prove to be the perfect remedy to heal me into the present moment. But I had to acknowledge the parts that still remained buried under the debris that I never knew existed. Clearly, this is why things were taking so long. & Even with this thought in mind, I physically wanted to manifest the grace that I knew God always afforded me. Like it was owed to me. Like this grace wasn’t something that I knew that I had to consistently plant seeds for, work for, and nourish into my alignment.

None of that included drinking or smoking, or having sex to fill voids. On one hand I was annoyed. Annoyed that my body demanded so much more of me, even when I didn’t want it to. Annoyed that I couldn’t just be the bare minimum, or do the bare minimum as everyone else had done to skip over feeling anything that dared to cut too deep. But in the same breathe, I was grateful. Grateful that my spirit knew better and genuinely wanted better.

It allowed to me know that even though physically I didn’t feel equipped enough to sustain the pain that generated my healing, spiritually I had already won the battle. & More-so that I had everything that I needed in order to navigate through the war that seemed to define each moment that I wanted to escape.

The flesh is weaker than the spirit.…& I’m so grateful for God’s love. I pray that you listen to your inner voice & follow the strength that roots to the healthiest version of who you’re fighting so hard to become. For the battle is not yours, it’s the Lords. Remember to let go of the thoughts that don’t make you strong & to tap into the frequency that you wish to align with. Trust me, I know from experience. & tonight showed me that indefinitely. Guess what I was about to do? Lol until then, self-love, self-care, and self-awareness. 

I’ll Keep Her